This is stupid. Still, I've got a solution, based on egreg's:
\newcommand\stupid[1]{%
        \vbox{%
                \hsize=4.5in
                \parindent=0pt
                \leftskip=0pt plus.5fil
                \rightskip=0pt plus-0.5fil
                \parfillskip=0pt plus1fil
                \emergencystretch=1in
                \parshape6
                0.00in 4.50in
                0.25in 4.00in
                0.50in 3.50in
                0.75in 3.00in
                1.00in 2.50in
                1.25in 2.00in
                \huge
                \bfseries
                \strut
                #1%
        }%
}\parshape specifies what to do for the first 6 lines by giving pairs of numbers. The first in the pair is the indentation and the second is the line length. The settings of \leftskip, \rightskip, and \parfillskip come from TeX by Topic and are used to center the last line.
 
